i have never realized how toxic some people can be on League because you miss a fucking snare because you’re too far away.

holy hell.

maybe i’m just annoyed. or irritated. or sad, depressed, put off, or hurt. but the way i feel doesn’t change the situation and it doesn’t change the events that happened. 

everyone deserves to be wanted, to be communicated with. no one on this Earth can read minds, so I should humbly beg pardon when I am no exception, therefore, cannot possibly fathom if, by speaking 20 words in a week, anyone needed more “space” than that, or trying to ensure their friend was okay, or trying to have some semblance of an understanding of their current life and going back to giving them aforementioned space that the silence proved they needed. but no, let it be known that i, amber, am no mind reader, therefore couldn’t possibly know if speaking too often (once a day, or twice) was too much smothering. let it be known that i, until three hours ago, had no idea anyone needed more space than that. 

let it be known that things hurt, and i am human, and caring is a weakness, so if i get angry with you, it proves it. if you hurt me like you have, where i was bent over in tears near the point of vomiting, it proves it. if you cannot understand that someone in this world that doesn’t share the same genetic coding can possibly care for you that much, perhaps i need find someone else to have be my “other half” because, frankly, it’s an exhausting job trying to care for someone who simply, despite their best efforts to “love me (jesus christ, you just need some space),” the actions and words prove a lot less.

whilst on the subject, let it be known that i am a girl with simple feelings and wishes, but if my presence romantically cannot stir up enough love and feelings for my absence to cause some discomfort, some fear, maybe i’m doing something wrong? or maybe it’s not me. no one should have to live through the pain of the absence of their lover, to receive no such pang in return, or fear of their exit. that makes someone valuable. that makes it known they are wanted, they are needed; jaded pasts can change one’s perception of “love” and what “love” defines to be and how one should love, or be in love, but for everyone, it is different. still, i can’t help feeling that they should be missed. they need nourishment, affection. “hellos” and smiles cut it for so long. let this be a wake-up call.

let it also be known that i am beautiful, i am valuable, and i am enough. that is something no one can convince me otherwise of, and no one should dare try. i’m not sorry i tried to care for a friend who was otherwise not telling me they were “good” or “okay” because, isn’t it a friend’s duty to check up? i am not sorry if i yearn for some affection when “hey” and “sweets” are the cutest someone is going to get for the past little while.

we all deal with different levels of hell due to my experience and understanding. but by God, i was trying to be a superhero and being there for every. single. one. of. you. through it all. when the family issues arose, and your anger spiked; to the unexpected.

i was there until the end of the line. i can’t be so sure i’ll be there to recreate a new one.

i am not trash.

I am a mother. fucking. Star.

Remember when you’re antisocial, your best friend misses you.

Remember when you’re pushing her away, she was pushing back.

Remember when no one else was there, she was.

Remember, she is there until the end of the line.

So when you forget to say hello, she will understand.

Or reply, she understands.

Or you don’t want to talk and do things you used to, she’ll understand.

But please, for the love of the Stars, understand when she moves the fuck on from a friendship that won’t give it back.